Me, Myself & Scrooge

I'm going to be honest.
I can be really greedy sometimes.Well, most times. Like I am talking down right Scrooge status. Greedy with money? yes, that too...but I am actually talking about something else. I am selfish with my TIME.The sermon taught on Sunday was a topic I don't typically get enthusiastic about.GENEROSITY. And by the end? WOW. Totally what I needed to hear, a call to action, a change of heart, soul piercing and motivating.

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

When talking about generosity, about giving - my first thought went to money. It always does for some reason. Then I had to ask myself this question, WHAT is most precious to me? Truth be told...it's my time.Not only that but my QUALITY of time. I spend a heck of a lot of time with Desmond and I love that. But I tend to be so busy or wrapped up in my own thing that very little of my day is actually engaged in my son. A week can go by and I can think of a handful of times I really made an effort to play one on one with him or just get into whatever he happens to be doing - finding bugs, fighting pretend fires, building towers with his megablocks, reading books and asking questions, talking about God, our passions, or dreams...I do this with the rest of my family too, Tony included. I'm comfortable and waste time that should be GIVING and make it selfish by tuning out on my phone or talking about only my worries, interests and so on. It's gross now that I think about it. And then there's friends. I am terrible about being generous or giving at all to my time with friends...but that's what I realized tonight. My friendship to others is being generous to God. It's an act of service..yet I enjoy it too..I need to embrace the fellowship and not be a dang recluse. I've been better about it recently and this sermon just confirmed that relationship, sisters in Christ, fellowship - it MATTERS to God, it SERVES God. And speaking of that...simply giving my time (which, like I said, is really God's time anyway) to the Lord each day, my thoughts, my heart, my feelings...that's generosity. It serves Him but it also serves me ..and only in the best ways possible. It makes US more like HIM. I'll take it :)

What can I give?
-time
-love
-quality of time
-treasures
-talents
-gifts
and so much more.

And when we give in the name of the LORD? We are storing up our treasures in Heaven. Amazing. Jesus said 6 TIMES in the bible to 'Store up your treasures in heaven'. Clearly, this matters. In the end, it's all that matters. That we give our lives away to God. And when I think of it, I cannot help but realize that my life is HIS anyways. My gifts, time, talents, treasures etc. Why be greedy with what is already His?

Give yourself to the Lord - and giving to others will come naturally.

This hit home: As a parent, it gives me SO MUCH JOY to see Desmond share on his own, without me forcing it or reminding him to. Like when his cousins want to play with a certain favorite toy of his and he sweetly offers it - my heart explodes.Totally out of nature for a 3 year old yet out of the goodness of his little heart he is generous and giving..We are God's children and it pleases Him in the same way (BUT waaaay unfathomably MORE because He loves us insanely more than we could ever love our own children!) to see us SHARE and be generous with others - to not be greedy with what is His but to be giving. MIND BLOWN.

WHAT AM I GOING TO GIVE TO BETTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD?

{My time} with God

Time set aside in fellowship with Him. Church. Studying His word everyday. Prayer. 

{My praise} to God

Worship. Gratitude throughout my day. Doing all to His glory and not for myself. 

{My friendship} to others

Stop being a recluse and give my time and friendship away. Transparent, real and caring. 

{My quality time} to family 

Being invested & involved - not just 'there' but actively present and engaged.

“But who am I, and what is my people, that we should be able thus to offer willingly? For all things come from you, and of your own have we given you." 1 Chronicles 29:14 

If you are intrested, listen to this sermon HERE (JOYFUL GENEROSITY-8). Thanks for reading. It helps to post my bible notes here and hopefully this struck a chord for you too :) Post more soon! 

YOU.

I just wrote a really long post about accepting yourself for who God made you to be. But yeah know it's as simple as that. God made you and I specifically different in every way for a REASON. I am sick of worrying what people think, worrying why I am different in one way or another, comparing, envying, caring too much, over thinking... God set me apart, He set YOU apart. Embrace who you are, your passions, your joys, your looks, even those parts of yourself you don't like..maybe you are like me, maybe you get invested, maybe you care deeply what people think and if you don't receive it back, it hurts. That's okay. God is there to mend it. And in the mean time, embrace- you are human. We are not perfect and we ALL have our own different hang ups. You might not be as skinny or curvy as the next girl but you are a GEM in God's eyes. Let Him love you, adore you, captivate you...He does, trust me. Life is messy, we are flawed but ya know what? God is there to catch us, to hold us in those moments and whisper that He loves us despite it all. Fall into His arms and love who you are, who He made you to be. I am on a road of discovery and growth. I am finding that I love the person that God desires me to be. I am literally EXCITED about it and I can honestly say that I've never felt that way about myself...and I am not even halfway through this journey, maybe a few steps in. The places you can go, the lives you can touch...He has no limits, He has a beautifully unique plan for your life and who you are - Embrace it.

Waiting on God.

Once again the sermon at church this week was seriously spot on to what I am going through! The subject was unanswered prayer. You see, I am in a season of waiting so my prayer is often for a heaping load of PATIENCE...I struggle with the wait more than anything...We are waiting for a lot of things in life. Waiting for the future, mine and Tony's future..his career to start, a home, a time to grow our family...then there is a season of waiting that I am experiencing right now, as is Tony.. So needless to say this sermon really got through to me, I needed to hear it and clearly God knew..It hit home. Hopefully I can remember this..that is one reason I write about it on my blog. Here are a few notes from the sermon that stood out to me, plus I threw in a couple quotes too. You can also listen to the sermon here, it's the one titled 3/10/13 ♥

We often don't take the time to let God answer our prayers. We make our requests and leave. Listening, abiding, dwelling with God is all part of prayer. It is a dialogue, not a request line.

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”  -Søren Kierkegaard

Be PERSISTENT in prayer until there is a dynamic connection with God.

{God will never give us too much or too little...God is never early nor late.}

Refusal to our prayers is also an answer because it often draws us closer to the Lord.

Our subtle sin is to DECIDE what is best for us without considering God's plan and then praying for God to help us through it, to get out of it or cry 'why is this happening?!' 

When we abide with God we become IN TUNE with Him and our desires, hopes, prayers change to fit HIS will.

Unanswered Prayer??

-It may not be time yet

-it may not be in accordance with His will

-He is using it to further the Kingdom of God, to strengthen you, etc etc

-We learn BEST while waiting (we reach out to God, seek Him)

-Sometimes God's already given us the ability/tools which is already the answer to our prayer

Reality is: NO prayer is unanswered!

Spread out your petition before God, and then say, "Thy will, not mine, be done." The sweetest lesson I have learned in God's school is to let the Lord choose for me. -D.L. Moody

The Abbotts as of late:

 

Im starting Weight Watchers again. If you followed me last Summer you may have seen that I tried the program for the first time and in a matter of a couple months I lost 24 pounds and a quite a bit of inches! It was awesome..It did take a lot of self discipline but once I got into the routine of it it was totally doable! And when you see the scale going down each week it totally keeps you going. I ended up stopping WW over the holidays (from like October-March) and low and behold I've gained 12 pounds back  -____-  but really, since I did gain something back it is motivation to get going again. So as of today I weighed and measured myself and I've begun tracking. Tony, Des and I went to Trader Joes with a list of WW friendly groceries this afternoon which was fun (Des loves having his own tiny cart to push around!) Im the kind of person that needs a variety of options to keep a 'diet' going...I get defeated easily with this kind of thing..simply because I love food lol. That is what I love about WW though is that you can have whatever..as long as it's in moderation or even if you just save up your points so you have room to splurge. I'm doing Zumba on video at home as well as strengthening my abs (they're still separated from pregnancy!) and stretching daily. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by September. I really believe that I can do it. If I was able to lose that much I would be the same weight I was my freshman year of high school, I wore like a size 5 and looked the best that I ever have...I've got so many motivations to lose it which I will blog more about later on..So here we go :) I am actually excited about this...I need the structure in my diet, it forces me to eat healthy and exercise consistently which I am NOT good at when I dont have boundaries. I appreciate your support and prayers through this! I will update as I go along!

I am currently reading the Delirium Series and the last book comes out tomorrow! I've read the last two books over the last week and I love them. Im all about those futuristic dystopian dramas :) I highly recommend them if you are into that type of thing. It's a great series to totally get lost in.

I dont remember if I have mentioned this but Tony has applied for a teaching fellowship in which he THANKFULLY made it to the final interview! He submitted the lengthy application in January in which he passed that part and then had a phone interview last month. They recently informed him that he made it through to the final interview. They are flying him out to Philadelphia for that interview this Thursday evening and he will return on Sunday. It's all so exciting. About 300 made it to the phone interview, 80 have made it through to the personal interview and about half of them will make it into the fellowship. If he does get in we wont have to move, he can live wherever and still be part of the program which is awesome! It's going to be hard to not have him here with us and so far away for those few days for the interview ..but obviously we will survive! I think of wives whose husbands travel for work or who are in the military and I am instantly thankful that this kind of thing is so rare for us. Prayers for him would be SO great. If he makes it he will get a monthly stipend for 5 years plus the fellowship pays for certain items for any school he is employed with, meaning extra incentive to hire him. He finishes his Masters in teaching this June and then the job hunt begins. We're happy to say the least.

I feel as if Tony and I, our little family, is on the brink of something big and new. It's really exciting actually. With Tony finishing school so soon, my recent resignation and some new doors opening for me (more on that later!) ...it's just refreshing to be honest. I really feel like we are living in the Lord's will for this season of our lives. Sometimes when things aren't alway so smooth you wonder? Some seasons are rough journeys through what seem like a valley and though you doubt, you are meant to be there..to go through, to experience, to grow, to learn, to plant seeds. And then there are other parts of our journey where God seems to be leading us out of the valley and into something totally new and wonderful..it's not easy by any means but it's different and I like that. I feel like that is where we are and I am so thankful for it. Although I am thankful for it all. I count it all as joy. I am really learning a lot about that right now ♥

Softly & Tenderly

I asked God last night to reveal Himself to me...to speak to me personally, to make it known to me what His act of speaking was personal for Him & I. I have a hard time hearing God a lot of times..I forget that God doesnt often speak to us in big dramatic ways, the burning bush was a pretty big deal..that's not an everyday sort of thing. But often times I expect God to catch me off guard, I am not listening with an open heart and I think that God is just going to surprise me...no. I am learning and realizing that when I do not meet with God daily, when I do not actively live in His prescense..I become spiritually starved. I begin to feel the hunger pangs, the emotional, spiritual and physical deprivation that I bring upon myself. My mind and heart become so clouded by insecurity, looking for my identity and all the wrong places and situations. This became so apparent to me last night while reading the first chapter of 'Hungry for God'..so in response to this realization I simply and faithfully opened my heart to God WITH expectation and not negativity- which tends to be my problem when praying. I laid there listening to hymns on the pandora station. One particular instrumental song sounded so beautiful, I felt I had to look up the lyrics.

I was so moved reading the lyrics of this hymn. God so very softly and tenderly spoke to my heart through these words.. His peace wrapped me up and gave clarity to my often jumbled heart and emotions. It was like a fresh start...This morning I am seeing things so much more clearly..I am feeling happier and finding it easier to slide passed things that normally are so troubling to me.

Although I have been a Christian for my entire life, I was raised by wonderful Christian parents, mentored by God loving people and educated in Christian school that I hold dear to my heart- I still am journeying in finding this faith on my own...in some ways I am still a baby Christian. I know God, we have been close but now I am learning to be His. I am finding myself through growing in relationship with Him. I want to be His disciple, not just a follower when it is convenient. It is what I was made for, through and through...and this is why straying from that purpose can be so painful..another hymn I have loved for a long time is Come, Thou Found of Every Blessing. But never have the words pierced me so much as last night...I cannot put into words this truth of my life better than the hymnal below. I will leave you with this...

"O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."

A Glimpse Into Heaven

We are doing a reading with Desmond each night for Advent. We are reading and listening from a children's bible and though it may be for little ones ..it is totally and completly blessng me. What's equally wonderful- Desmond is totally into it. He was asking for his "God Book" ...and pointing to Jesus saying "There's God...There He is again!" ...He listens to the stories and soaks them in. As Desmond's mother..there are few things that could bless me more. Each one of God's stories whispers His name...I love that. I am re-discovering it, you know..how God whispers in our hearts and through our lives and what that means. I've been starving for it. Today I felt that again...pure and unadulterated. I do have those moments but too often they are clouded by the business of life...today I felt it for real like I only have a handful of times in my life. These moments do happen everyday if we only have the clarity of heart to see it...today I held my three week old nephew and just stared at him..holding Sawyer, watching him sleep..God's perfect creation, I don't think there is anything closer to that than that of a newborn or a child of your own. It happened again tonight. Sitting with Desmond looking at his bible..explaining to him the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den, telling him of God's creation of the heavens and the earth..how he sent his Son as a baby to save the world...the words just flowed from my mouth like honey and Des looked at me and back at the book just wide eyed and curious. A whole world of stories, of inspiration, of God's holy word, of His incredible love waiting to be written on Desmond's heart..it was one of those moments I'm not sure I could forget...

They are those times..

Those moments that touch you deeply.

You feel as if you are encountering a picture, a feeling, a glimpse of God.

Of Heaven, of His utterly perfect creation, what it was intended it to be.

Pure and blameless.

Real, tangible, heart peircing.

 Imprinted on your soul.

And someday..

when with The Creator..

they will all come together

woven carefully by His divine hand.  

Our BIG Weekend

This week we not only celebrated Father's Day but also Tony's graduation! He now has a bachelors in physics and a minor in chemistry! I have been bragging about him all weekend ;) I am just honored to call him my husband for so many reasons and his intelligence and dedication to school is just one of them. My fb friends have already read this because I wrote it as a status..but the following sums up our weekend and how proud I am as Tony has made it to this point, "Wow! What an amazing day! Watching Tony graduate this morning is something I will never forget. All those years of endless hours of studying...through our engagement, first years of marriage, while working full time, while raising a child, loving and supporting a family, plus doing his own physics research on the side..it all comes to this special day. It's been so wonderful to see Tony's friends and family come around and recognize all his tireless effort and dedication to physics, his passion- that made my heart SO full. I am so proud and thankful to God to call this man my husband, my absolute best friend and the father of our son. Thank you Patty, Butch and Josh for raising such an outstanding man, you set your standards high and led by example- this will carry on to our children and that is a priceless gift that I am beyond thankful for, a gift that keeps on giving ♥" It was such a blessed time, we had our traditional Father's Day potluck at the park on Sunday and spent the entire weekend with our family from out of town who came up for Tony's graduation. Hope you all had a lovely Father's Day weekend too! Here's our weekend in photos...

proud mom

Tony with his wonderful Grandma "GG" :)

my niece, Donnelly, at the Father's Day picnic..what a doll!

with my sister, brother in law and nephew at Tony's graduation.

tickling cousin Cillian!

playing with cousin Ireland

my dad with his eldest grandson, Ben :) they plan to do some panning soon!

"Remember tonight for it is the beginning of always"

"Remember tonight for it is the beginning of always. A promise like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief. In each other in the possibility of love. A decision to rise above the pain of the past. A covenant that combines two souls and severe prior ties. A celebration of a chance taken and a challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team that rises against the tempests of the world. Love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is a mere formality. Only the announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago in the secret space of our hearts."

Overcoming a Heart of Envy

Tony works earlier in the day on the weekends now so we have been trying to make it to church on Saturday nights. It's been such a blessing to be back in church, I feel like I'm starving for the word and fellowship. I am just tired and weary and in obvious need for God more steadily in my life. Which means I have to make time and make the commitment to go to church. It's always worth it though and it especially touched me tonight...

 Our pastor spoke on the topic of envy, it was one of those sermons that just left me feeling like 'wow, this is exactly why I needed to hear.' Pastor Tom used the story of Saul and David to show how envy can completely destroy your life. A brief description of the story...Saul had the honor of being Israel's first king, but his life turned into a tragedy for one reason. Saul did not trust in God. Saul looked like royalty: tall, handsome, noble. He became king when he was 30 years old and reigned over Israel 42 years. Early in his career he made a fatal mistake. He disobeyed God by failing to completely destroy the Amalekites and all their possessions, as God had commanded. The LORD withdrew his favor from Saul and had Samuel the prophet anoint David as king. Sometime later, David killed the giant Goliath. As the Jewish women were dancing in a victory parade, they sang:"Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands." (1 Samuel 18:7, NIV)Because the people made more of David's single victory than all of Saul's, the king went into a rage and became jealous of David. From that moment he plotted to kill him. Instead of building up Israel, King Saul wasted most of his time chasing David through the hills. David, however, respected God's anointed king and despite several opportunities, refused to harm Saul. Finally the Philistines gathered for a huge battle against the Israelites. By that time Samuel had died. King Saul was desperate, so he consulted a medium and told her to raise Samuel's spirit from the dead. Whatever appeared--a demon disguised as Samuel or Samuel's true spirit sent by God--it predicted disaster for Saul.In the battle, King Saul and the army of Israel were overrun. Saul committed suicide. His sons were killed by the enemy.

I do struggle with envy. Not really outwardly. I know it is an ugly trait and I probably keep it private because that very reason...yet in my own mind I'm constantly comparing my life to others, wishing I had what they had or was in the situation they are in. Pastor Tom described the following as the Stages of Envy and man, he hit the nail right on the head...

Stages of Envy:

1. Comparison

2. Dejection and Depression (consumed with 'self-pitty')

3. resentment and bitterness

4. Irrationality

Can you relate to those? Because I sure can. Everything changed for Saul because he began to interpret reality through the prism of envy. And that is what envy does, it grabs hold of your entire life...it often starts small. Socrates stated "Envy is the ulcer of the soul" It says "no one can be better than me!"...but the fact of it is, we aren't meant to live the same lives as everyone else. God has designed our lives specifically for us and that is something I should take comfort in...not resent. I need to write this quote on my mirror so I see it every single day....

A heart of envy is dissatisfaction with the sovereign heart of God.

that really hit home for me. When I'm envious of someone else's looks, seemingly comfortable situation in life, blessings...that's me saying to God "I'm not happy or satisfied with all that you have blessed me with God!" blessing of which are completely undeserved, given out of grace and love! Envy not only hurts God and our relationship with God but it wounds us...it torments, causes us to be bitter, it is addicting and makes us selfish. BUT, there is hope! We are not lost, God is waiting on us..

What to do about envy:

REPENT: confess your envy to God and change the direction of your heart and mind. "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, ³ now that you have tasted that the Lord is good." (Peter 2)

REMEMBER: God is sympathetic to our emotional wounds. He cares deeply for us and what we are going through. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalms 147:3)

SEEK THE TRUTH: remember that other people's situations are not always as they seem. They may seem like they have it easy but we don't know their story.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (Galatians 5:26)

COUNT YOU BLESSINGS: Contentment grows from a grateful heart. "But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷ For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸ But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." (1 Timothy 6:6-8)

You can listen to Pastor Tom's sermon here for free. I believe the sermon will be posted tonight, it would be dated with today or tomorrow's date. Definitely worth listening to. It changed me, maybe it might do the same for you ♥

child spacing

Ive been praying and reading and thinking a lot lately. Im starting to really feel that I want Desmond and our next baby to be at least 3 years apart. I figure this is something to write about since everyone is blogging about being pregnant...Im going to blog about not being pregnant :) and how much I like it. haha just kidding. Honestly, I loved being pregnant and I know Tony and I are meant to have at least 2 more children together. So I am excited too. But..working the coaching job I have now is hard enough with one child, I cant imagine two children..or three! AH! It's scary just to think about. My hope is that by at least 3 years in between then Des will be out of diapers, more independent but as I type that I think...ehh..maybe 4 years lol. or five..because then Des will be in preschool by that point. The thought of waiting that long before broke my heart...but it doesnt anymore. It's weird. Usually when I watch 'A Baby Story' on TLC I get nostalgic and want another one and blah blah blah..but not lately. Almost every episode I ever see anymore is about a mother having her second or third and it shows the sadness from being separated from their other children and having to give less time to the etc. And the thought of that breaks my heart! I guess Im just not ready to share my 'Desmond time' with another child. Is that selfish? I dont know. But it's definitely where I am. And as Ive said before..I love my job, and I need the time and energy to put everything into that over these next couple years...obviously with God and my family coming first. I write about this often, one because it helps me come to terms with exactly what I am feeling and what I want. And I think it's to encourage other moms who might be in the same boat. The pressure to have more children is insane, but for me..when I really think about what my heart wants..what is smart for our family..what Desmond needs...that's when the real honest answers come out and I need to hold true to those ♥

One Thousand Thing.

Im currently reading a book called "One Thousand Thing". It is helping me in so many ways... It is helping me heal..it is helping me trust. It is opening my eyes to the good, the beauty, the love God has for me...Im counting my blessings everyday, all day and in turn Im learning how God loves me, my son, my husband..all of us. God is using his truth, through this book to change me..to change my life. Here are just a few parts so far that have pierced me deeply...

That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.

The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be-unbelievably-possible! The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, HERE and NOW.

And then what does Jesus directly do, in the face of apparent failure, when no one responded to His teaching and things didnt work out at all? He lives out eucharisteo. "At that time [precisely at the failing time] Jesus answered and said, 'I thank thee, O Father, Lord of Heaven and earth..."(Matthew 11:25) in the midst of what seems a mess, in the tripping up and stumbling down of all hopes, Jesus gives thanks.

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world. -Sarah Ban Breathnach

Gratitude, Joy...requires more than merely thinking the warm and fuzzy thoughts about a door and a way through and that Greek word, eucharisteo, holding the mystery to the full life and ever after. I may have always know that change takes real intentionality, like a woman bent over her garden beds ever day with a spade and the determined will to grow up something good to strengthen the heart.

If I were dying of thirst, passively reading books about water quenches little; the only way to quench the parched mouth is to close the book and dip the hand into water and bring it to the lips. If we thirst, we'll have to drink. I would have to DO something...

I" have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little" (Philippians 4:11-12) ..."I have learned.." Learned. I would have to learn eucharisteo-learn to live it fully. Learn it like I know my skin, my face, the words on the end of my tongue. Like I know my own name. Learn how to be Thankful-whether empty or full.

Thanks is what multiplies the joy and makes any life larger, and I hunger for it.

I name. And I know the face I face. God's! God is in the details; God is in the moment. God is in the all that blurs by in life--even hurts in life. GOD!

Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life-even the hard-is made up of all the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimal, I miss the whole. These are new language lessons, and I live them out. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thank in this one small thing. The moments will add up.

When we lay the soul of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks.

And I see it now for what it really is, this dare to write down one thousand things I love. It really is a dare to name all the ways that God loves me. The true Love Dare. To move into His presence and listen to His love unending and know the grace uncontainable. This is the vault of miracles. The only thing that can change us, the world, is this--all His love. I must never be deceived by the simplicity of eucharisteo and penning His love list.

I speak it to God: I dont really want more time; I just want enough time. Time to breath deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven or wild to get it all done--yesterday. I just want time to do my one life well.

Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when Im always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slow. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows.

Full attention fills the empty ache.

to be continued....♥

love this book.

A Promise.

Through His wounds we are healed

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

babies babies everywhere!

When I got pregnant I started following a few other mom bloggers who were also expecting and due around the same time as me. Ive gotten to know a few of them, watch their little ones grow as they watched mine (through the blog world anyways)..and now, as time passes Im finding that Im the only one left, out of my friends in real life with young children (my sons age at least) and of my blog friends who is not now expecting another baby. For a while there I felt pressured (Ive blogged about this before)...like it was a competition or something? Like 'alright, everyone else is having another one, now it's your turn' I dont know..it's dumb, but I think if most moms answered honestly they would agree that they have felt something similar. But through a lot of prayer and long talks with Tony, Ive come to terms with the fact that I dont want another baby right now and I am okay with that. Im content with where we are at. WHAT?! I know..I cant believe I said it. When I hear that friends are pregnant I no longer feel than little pang of 'aw man I wish that was me :( " the main reason is because Im loving my job now that I am running the Crater cheer program. It demands a lot of time and energy and I want to be able to give that. Of course my family, my son..they come first before cheer. I still miss Des like crazy when I have practice, games, tryouts etc and what not but I feel we have really struck a balance between work and being a mom. I dont want to solely be a stay at home mom right now and if I had another baby I might have to do that. That's all I used to want, just stay home with my children which I still want that someday, but I know that is not where I am supposed to be right now. Im excited about this. Im excited to love my job so much and to have time to cherish Desmond without feeling rushed to have another baby. It's totally from God too, I didnt feel this way just a couple months ago but suddenly a weight has been lifted and Im ready to freely put my time and energy into what God has put right in front of me :) It's such a good place to be, for me at least. I really felt led to blog about this these past couple days and it feels good to get it out there, to get this off my chest. I feel empowered by it for some reason. I know a year, or two, three or four down the road we will be so ready ..because believe me, we definitely want more children, just not now. The end :]

Valentines Date

Our Valentines Date last night was just perfect. We went and saw The Vow, sappy romantic movie ...check. And then headed out to dinner at a German restaurant, which ended up being some of the best food Ive had in a looong time. Food on our honeymoon might come in close. Tony had venison, I had steak. The bartender concocted this amazing peach drink for me...we ate what we could of our dessert with coffee and then brought it home with us. Put Desmond to bed and enjoyed some Downton Abbey. Later we drank wine and ate our left over German Chocolate and Black Forest cakes slices while getting caught up on our shows...Up All Night and The Office. It was so us. The most magical part of the night was leaving the restaurant..it had started to snow, these snowflakes were HUGE..seriously the size of silver dollars! It was amazing. And memorable. And Im happy to say Im more in love with my husband than ever before. You think you love someone...and then you have their child. whew. Seriously. There is no bond like sharing a little person you love with every fiber of your being. God can be thanked for that kind of love ♥  

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all…in fact, the state of being in love usually does not last…But of course ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing TO love. Love…is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask to receive from God….They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep their promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."     

— C.S. Lewis ‘Mere Christianity’ and ‘Passion & Purity’ by Elisabeth Elliott (p.181) 

He Is Faithful.

Wonderful, amazing news.

Tony was hired for a job inside his store. Weve known of him being laid off this month since Summer. They sold the gas stations and didnt hire any prior employees. Well just two days before the official hand over of the station, Tony was hired for a job inside the store working at the salad bar. We have no idea yet what that entails (although I imagine it's pretty self explanatory), they are building the bar this week so we will see. This job gives Tony enough hours (30-40) to ensure us insurance plus he will start off at the same pay as his gas station job...he made the cap out there so he now has the possibility of getting a raise with this new job!

Obviously this isnt Tony's career...if it had been he would be managing by now but he refused that a long time ago because he needed hours that would go with his school schedule, and managing hours didnt work...plus it was extra work for the same pay since he was making the cap. We are so thankful that Tony has had his gas station job and now this job inside the store. It's gotten Tony through college, for our wedding, marriage, our first child..so much. These arent glorified jobs...nothing you would brag about but they have provided and that is what we have needed, and we are thankful.

Tony will have his physics degree by the end of Winter term (March) and then he will be starting the Masters in Teaching program in June ...the application goes in this month and we find out if he is accepted into that program, but...his professors dont seem to be too worried. One told him that the MAT program doesnt get "P.H.D level students like you" WOW. Quite a compliment! Tony is smart, genius smart. He will most definitely get his phd in the future but Tony has come to a place where God has reassured him that it would be better for our family if we waited until we are settled and have saved up some money. His phd would require him to travel for school, at least 2 hours...if it was here then there would be no doubt about it. The MAT is only a year long so hopefully with in the next year or two Tony will be able to start teaching! I think he will make the most amazing teacher, Ive never seen someone so passionate about something as Tony is for physics. It's most definitely God given.

All in all...Im so thankful to God for providing for us. I was in tears last week trying to figure out health insurance and what we were going to do. In fact, there have been many many tears shed over the thought that Tony would be jobless at this point. But God had a plan, and I do wish I had trusted Him more and stressed less! Now Im taking that as a lesson learned, I wont forget this and I pray I will trust Him more come the next scary place in our lives...but for now, we are rejoicing and praising God for bringing us through.

A Christmas Miracle

December 22nd could definitely go down as the best day of 2011.

Yesterday we found out that Desmond's EEG results came back completely normal! Thank you to all the folks who offered their prayers. It appears Desmond's seizure back in November was most likely febrile, and an isolated event. Our beautiful son is doing great, normal and completely happy. Lately he has been communicating and talking a ton! He also loves to be silly and dance :) He is the biggest joy in our life.

The biggest relief was my mom. Her doctor called last night and informed her that the mass on her kidney that they biopsied this week is in fact BENIGN! The doctors are all shocked, they were 80% sure it was cancer, but it's not...It is a miracle! We were all preparing ourselves for cancer, a cloud of gloom was over our house and family...we were just taking it one day at a time. But last night everything changed...a cloud has been lifted, JOY is filling our home. My mom keeps saying "Give all the glory to God!!" :) It's pretty amazing that my mom and Desmond were both in the ER within 24 hours of eachother on November 27th/28th and both received their positive news on the same day! They arent even concerned about the mass, she was going to most likely have her entire kidney removed and go on dialysis with in the next 3 weeks if it was cancer, that is what they were preparing for. But now the doctor said he isnt concerned and that he will see her in 6 months about the mass! This means dialysis isn't as imminent as we thought which is such a blessing! It's all just unreal, and in the best way possible. God truly is the Great Physician.

This wonderful news, both for Desmond and my mom is the absolute best Christmas gift our family could receive. It is truly a Christmas miracle and a testament to the power of prayer ♥

 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven. Psalm 107:28-30

life.

All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This verse could be the motto for this last month. Things keep happening, they are hard situations..the kind of things in life that keep you up all night worrying, the kind that leave you in tears..tears of fear, tears of frustration, tears of discouragement, tears of anxiety, tears of sadness...yet in the midst of it all God's promises still ring true.

 If you dont know already, my mom was put in the hospital recently..she originally went in because she was vomiting almost non stop which they ended up attributing her symptoms to kidney failure. While she was in they did a CT scan of her abdomen and found a cyst on her kidney. The doctors are almost positive it is cancer. I cant believe I am typing those words. Yet.. in the midst of all this there is a positive...although my mom most likely does have cancer, thankfully because she had that ct scan and found it so early they believe it to only be a stage one...meaning this was caught at the best time possible. If my mom hadnt been admitted to the hospital for her stomach symptoms she probably wouldnt have had a CT scan of her abdomen for years...and by that point the cancer would have most definitely spread. She had a CT scan last Spring and the cyst was not there, so it is fairly new..but it does show how fast it can grow in such a short time... They will need to remove her kidney and she will be put on dialysis at that point. It's all overwhelming and scary...yet we are almost breathing a sigh of relief because we are all just really thankful this cyst was found early enough...

 Please be praying for my mom, pray that this whole process goes as smooth as possible. And please pray that God continues to give her peace and comfort during this time.

On another note (which doesnt even come close to comparing with seriousness of my mom's health).. Ive been forced to make some decisions with the team I coach. Weve decided to not compete this year and just cheer sideline at games. This changes thing for me dramatically. Im really disappointed because I love love love competition, Ive either been competing or coaching at the State Cheerleading Championships over these last six years and it's definitely going to be a change to just coach sideline. Our main reason for making this decision was just a lack of commitment...eligibility was also a factor too. So just like so many things lately, although this was a really hard realization for me, in the end it's going to be a better fit this year for the team and for my situation right now. My situation wasnt a deciding factor but now coming out on the other side I do see that God is using this to give me more time in other areas of my life. I love this team so much, even though we wont have the experience of competition this season..I really do think we are going to have an awesome time and make some very memorable memories over these next few months.

Along with all that..weve known for a while now that Tony will be losing his job come the beginning of January. He has been working as a gas attendant going on 8 years now, this job has gotten us through a lot while he is in college. They work with his school schedule and he is even able to sometimes do homework during the down times. We have insurance through this job as well... Albertson's is selling all their gas stations to a private company in just a couple weeks. Thankfully he was called and asked to interview for this new company coming in...I have no reason to think he will for sure get a job with them, but I also have no reason to think that he wont! I just have this peace about it...and Im usually the one freaking out and stressing out over everything...I feel that God has given me peace over it...maybe it's just to get us through this time or maybe it's because God has something better for Tony. I feel it's the latter but either way, Im doing my best to praise God in the middle of all this despite the uncertainty of our future..

Desmond has thankfully not seizured or had any other weird symptoms..we are praying it stays this way. He has his EEG on the 19th..hopefully it will show that things are normal..our pediatrician really feels it was only febrile but we are doing the tests just to be safe.

So yes, that is life right now. Seems like a lot of negative stuff but honestly, God is in control. He is bigger than all of this. I love my Savior and all I can think of doing right now is resting in His love and comfort.

I will post more later. Hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas season! ♥