Black Friday 2009

then & now

Three years ago today I woke up with this overwhelming feeling to take a pregnancy test. Tony was still asleep when I took it, I didnt see the need in waking him if it turned out to be negative. So I did it..I peed on that little stick and in those moments where I was waiting for the lines to appear or not appear I just knew...I was sitting there just staring straight at the bathtub, then I paced around the hall...and there it was just sitting on the counte about five feet away.. and somehow I just knew..I knew the second my eyes caught glimpse of that stick my life would be forever changed. It's as if my body knew I was pregnant but my brain was catching up. I did look and the emotions of it all came so fast that I just sat there totally blank, unable to think..All I could think was that I needed to tell Tony.. You probably know the story, I woke him with the phrase "I've got something to show you"...and held the test in front of his face. The utter SHOCK on his face was hilarious. We then ventured into a conversation of "Oh God" over and over...some moments of sheer joy and other ramblings of 'dear God what did we do'...haha...then a few weeks later on December 9th we saw Desmond's heartbeat via ultrasound. He was only like 24 days old..but he had a heart beat you guys! How amazing is that? I was only 6 weeks along and suddenly it was all SO real. He may have been the size of a grain of rice at that point but he was my baby, my child and my heart experienced that 'overflowing' thing better and bigger and more full than I had ever known. Now my son is two and half...he is SO full of personality, funny, sweet, he has the best hair of anyone I know! He is smart, the biggest sense of adventure, he is compassionate and so loving. Who could believe that that little grain of rice would become this amazing child whom my heart sings for every single day. Praise God for the miracle of LIFE, I sure am today. I will never forget that day three years ago.

late night ramblings

I'm unable to sleep so I thought I'd spill my brain here...I may ramble and bore you, just a heads up ;)

Tony and I just watched the Mr. Universe special by Jim Gaffigan tonight and my throat is actually scratched from laughing so hard. I'm not a fan of most stand up comedians...they're either just too dirty or they try to hard. Jim Gaffigan talks about stuff I can relate to...sometimes so much so it's creepy! This whole segment on McDonald's is spot on..he also talked about putting kids to bed (I wish I could find that segment on youtube!)  and I nearly wet my pants. He's obviously a real person and that's what makes it hilarious. You can watch this whole thing on Netflix instant streaming...it's worth the entire hour, take my word for it!

We've got a friend's wedding coming up next month up in Portland. It will be our first night away from Des and I'm so nervous. My parents will do a great job with him but I keep thinking of how empty I will feel driving up there with no Des in the back seat..or going to bed without kissing him goodnight. I wonder if it's too early to do this..but then I wonder if it will be like the teenage years before I don't feel this way when away from our son. So we just gotta do it. It will mean a lot to Tony to go and it would be good for us to have some 'us' time..I'm sure I'm not the only mom who has ever felt like this though..how have you coped with leaving your child for a night? I know, there are worse things ...but I'm a wuss and obviously very attached to this child of mine. Hopefully it will be fine, I am still scared though :/

I counted today and I know 14 people who are pregnant, majority of them are friends and a few acquaintances. Is there something in the water? ;) You all know where I stand at this point with baby #2...I'm enjoying baby #1 too much at the moment. Maybe it's a bit personal but there was a point recently where I thought I could be pregnant because things were off...well it just so happened that I was just really late and for probably the first time in my life I was actually relieved to NOT be pregnant. Not just because our lives are stressful at the time being..with Tony starting the masters program this month and trying to get ourselves established etc etc. but it was mainly because I didn't want another baby right now. I write those words and I'm shocked by them, it's so not me...but this is where I am at in my life and it feels right, it feels liberating. Sometimes I feel like I write posts about this topic because I'm trying to convince myself..but I'm coming to realize I post about it because I love feeling FREE to not be envious, rushed, sad or anxious...or any of those 'not pregnant' feelings women get. I hope anyone who ever reads this blog knows that, as selfish as this sounds, this blog is for me. I don't write here to get followers or make my way to 'the most popular mom blog' list. What I mean is...this is a place for me to sort out my thoughts, get my feelings out in the open, figure stuff out..and it ends up becoming a way of remembering my life. I love that, whether it be the good times or the struggles. So on a topic that is so very dear to my heart...pregnancy, childbearing, babies, family and so on...this is where I am and I so very much so want to remember this. This is different for me and that's important and worth noting. There will be more children, there's no doubt about that. My heart does long to grow my family but I am surprised that I am actually content and happy with not doing so at the moment. So, I am praying we can put it off a year...or two :)

goodnight ♥

The Next Baby...

Here's me going all personal on ya :) something has been on my heart these past couple months and I feel the need to write it out...

If you guys know me at all you know that I absolutely loved being pregnant with Desmond...it was my dream come true that day I got a positive pregnancy test. I have always wanted to be a mother, and when I realized Tony was the one..I wanted to be a mother even more! Not to mention I knew Tony would make the most amazing father. Even when I was a teenager I couldnt wait until the day I was married and old enough to start a family. You may also know that we want more children and probably what most consider a 'big family'...possibly 4 or 5 if that is in the Lord's plan. So more children are in our future. People I know with children Desmond's age are getting pregnant everywhere. Almost all the friends I have with a toddler or a child (or children) younger than Desmond are now expecting. Whenever I hear of another friend who is pregnant I get this little pang of envy...but it goes away very quickly. The thing is...Im not ready for another child yet. I would love to experience pregnancy right now, and I would loooove to cuddle another sweet newborn. But Im not ready for sleepless nights or having absolutely no time to ourselves. We have finally gotten to a point where Desmond sleeps well, nap time is my little haven to get stuff done..or to just relax! And we have also gotten to the point in our relationship again where we can spend quality time together and move forward in our marriage. When life is insanely hectic and busy our marriage seemed to be at a stand still. And more than anything, Im not ready emotionally. When I think of me with another child now, I feel really sad for Desmond...almost broken hearted..it's weird. I still feel the need to give myself 100% to Desmond, the thought of sharing myself with another child right now just doesn't seem right yet. I feel Desmond would be cheated...although I know parents who do have kids close together arent cheating their older children, this is just something I feel for myself personally... Ive been told these are normal feelings, but they are just kind of a surprise to me. Ive never not wanted to have a child. Like I said, Ive always wanted to be a mother...but now Im feeling something different and it's almost a relief for me. I know I wont always feel this way, I know we will come to a point where I just know it's time, it could be 6 months or it could be another 4 years...but for now Im focusing on my husband and son. I know the Lord has so much to teach me through these relationships. I have so much growing to do as a mother, wife and child of God...that's what my heart longs for right now and it's truly a breath of fresh air. I like this decision we are making, it feels right for where we are as a family. I think no matter what I will always have baby fever but enough baby fever to actually have another one right now is definitely not where we are at. My nephew's birth in February is definitely timely though! Im ready to cuddle another newborn again for sure, just not wake up with one in the middle of the night or buy diapers for two children (although I would help my sister in that way if she needed it!)! haha. The time will come though I suppose ;) so that is where Im at right now, God has brought us to a new chapter and for the first time I dont feel anxious about this part of my life ♥

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

some mommy things...

A post about the physicality of motherhood... very, very true.

On my Christmas List ...this too :)

pisses. me. off.

Many mama-friends of mine (with babys younger than Desmond) are expecting baby number two. I dont know why I find it shocking (and not in a bad way, all children are a blessing)! It's very interesting to me I guess...it's definitely a post for another day..a long one at that. I thought this article was a good one in regards to that particular topic.

thinking about trying to cloth diapers next time. I almost regret saying it because I know Ill eat my words and never do it. So I guess I should say Im thinking about thinking about it... :)

My entire family (mom,sister and even Tony) including me is like freaking out about this. Um yaaay?!

Im so ready.

goodnight friends ♥

prenatal care thoughts...

This is a brand new idea so dont go too crazy but Im toying with the idea of having both an OB and a midwife this next time around (and no...not pregnant, wont be for a while..but still planning ahead!). I have always loved the idea of a midwife because they are so much more personal than the care you get with an OB. I savored every stage of my pregnancy and I feel that a midwife might join me in that more than an OB would or could. So far I know this- you can have a c section and have a midwife, they take care of your prenatal care and are in the room during the surgery. Some insurance companies cover midwives (totally wouldnt have one if my insurance didnt cover it...I havent checked yet)...and they spend a lot more time with you during your prenatal care...the appointments are longer and more in depth. I love Dr. Dan, and I wouldnt have anyone else deliver my child, I want him to deliver all my babies....but, I feel like I might want something more with my prenatal care, something that only a midwife could give. Who knows, maybe I will have changed my mind by the time we have our next child...but for now Im giving it some thought and prayer.

What do you guys think of the idea? Ide love to know :)

one year ago today..

Everything changed ♥

this is seriously insane. the creation of a baby is no big deal to us...but look at all the millions and millions of things that have to go right for a child to be created! Every single person is a miracle.
and my question is...how can you not believe in God after seeing something like this? ...none of this just happened by accident.

Desmond's birth story

It all started the morning of July 22, 2010. We had known that this was the day since a week prior so we were very excited when we woke up. If you've followed my blog you will know that I had found out that a scheduled C section would be best for Desmond's health since I have many risk factors indicating that a vaginal birth would not work but also be very dangerous for both Des and I. So, all that being said- we knew what was coming Thursday but nothing could have ever prepared us for everything we would be feeling that wonderful day.

That morning Tony and I headed to my last prenatal appointment. If at that last exam I was dilated past 2.5 centimeters, Dr. Dan said we would cancel the c section and he would allow me to labor and try for a vaginal birth. So we were pretty sure a c section was going to happen but there was still a chance that it could be canceled and I would be pregnant for Lord knows how much longer. But, low and behold when Dr. Dan checked me- I was not dilated at all, baby was still high in the pelvis. He also could tell that Des was a bit big for his gestation. So the c section was a go. Dr. Dan said if he thought Des was small, say 6 pounds- he maybe would have induced me, yet still there was no guarantee I could even deliver a baby that small. I will admit, I was relieved it was happening. I had accepted and prepared myself for a c section by that point, and even if I had been dilated it still doesnt mean that I could have pushed Desmond out- in fact, we basically are positive now that it would not have been possible- he weighed freaking 9 pounds and he also had the umbilical cord tied around his neck! After his birth and realizing the risk of it all- it really just sealed the deal that a c section was 100% the best way to go. Both Dr. Dan and I felt that way.

Tony and I had to check in for the c section at 10:30 am. We got into the labor room with our bags all packed for the stay and I changed into the hospital gown- that's when it started to feel real. The next two hours until the surgery went by SO fast. My nurse came in and got me ready. As that was happening my family started to show up. By the time 12:30 rolled around I had like 10 people in the room...but honestly, I was so glad to have them. The support of those closest to me really got me through this time, I having some pretty bad anxiety about the surgery- I didnt show it but on the inside I was kind of freaking out! The nurse was unable to get my IV in for a good half hour, she tried three different spots and then called in a phlebotomist to get it a shot. She was able to get it in right away thankfully. It's hard to believe but not being able to get the IV in was honestly the worst part of my entire birth story! And Im not saying that in a way that it was so horrible, basically it trumped everything else- that is how easy and painless it all was! ...anyways, I will go into that more a little later in the post.

I was soon wheeled into the surgical room where I got my spinal done. Tony had to wait outside at this point...it was hard to not have him there to support me but the nurses did a great job- they were super funny and kept my mind off all of it. One of the nurses could tell I was anxious and having a hard time during the spinal- she brought over the tinniest diaper and said ' can you believe that you're baby is going to be wearing this!?" ....I couldnt believe it! Little did I know all the amazing emotions I would be feeling just ten minutes later!

The spinal really wasnt bad, it just stung but it's really nothing to write home about. My body instantly went numb after it was inserted into my back, it was the coolest and weirdest feeling ever. I lied back on the bed while the nurses buzzed around me getting everything ready. My anxiety and fear really started to subside when I realized they had just put the catheter in and I literally had no idea- I felt nothing. Modern medicine is AMAZING! Just seriously a God send! The spinal made me throw up which was so odd- you have no stomach muscles at this point because everything is numb..so the puke just kind of came up very slow...I usually am a violent puker but with this it was just like this weak 'blah' ...it actually made me laugh!

After all the preparation Dr. Dan and Tony came in. Dr. Dan commented on how he loved my family (whom he saw out in the waiting room), he said it reminded him of how heaven is going to be- with all our family eagerly waiting for eachother. I thought that was so neat that he said that- I love that the man delivering my child is so passionate about the Lord, what an inspiration.

Tony was all decked out in his blue scrubs and just totally on top of the world. He sat down next to me and wiped the puke from my face. Seconds later the c section was underway. I could not feel a thing, all I could feel was my body being moved a little bit. The nurse then warned me that any second I would be feeling a lot of pressure on my chest and that that was them pulling out the baby. I was scared for this because I didnt know if the pressure would be painful or not- but it wasnt bad at all...it felt almost as if they were taking the baby out of my chest, it was the weirdest feeling but by no means painful. All of a sudden I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, I felt empty but not in a bad way..I then heard Dr. Dan said, 'that's a big head!' ( haha!) and then it happened..I heard suction and then the sweetest little squeal, and then a big cry! It was my son! It was Desmond! That moment I was waiting for was so much better than I could ever imagined it to be! Tony and I just started crying and saying "Oh my God" over and over..I was so overwhelmed with utter joy that I almost couldnt get words out. Tony told me he was beautiful... the nurses said he had lots of hair and kept commenting on how adorable he was, one said "Oh Becky! he is so cute!" ...Dr. Dan then held Desmond past the curtain so I could get a quick glimpse of him...Oh how I will never forget that moment! He was screaming and pink and had tons of hair! They then assessed him and cleaned him up over in a corner where I couldnt see for about fifteen minutes. Tony was able to go over..I kept yelling out and asking him questions about Desmond- is he healthy? is he cute? does he have a lot of hair? how is he doing? does he have all ten fingers and toes? how much does he weigh? ...I could hear the emotion in Tony's voice everytime he'd answer, he was so overwhelmingly happy...he then was able to bring Desmond over to me and we could sit together as they finished the c section. That moment where I saw my son and my husband together for the first time- it was a moment that will forever define my life. When I look back on my life in my old age- that will be a memory I will cherish forever. Tony said "He's perfect Beck" with a shaky voice and tears in his eyes. I then felt a huge emotional load lifted- just knowing my son was healthy, no reason to go to the NICU- that was the assurance I was waiting for since I found out I was pregnant back in November. I could then fully be excited, nothing holding me back. Oh my goodness was he perfect or what. Tony and I just sat there watching and studying this baby that we created and saying "I love you" over and over. That was the best moment of my life...

Tony then was able to go back to the labor room while they finished the surgery. I expected to be separated from my husband and newborn for a long time, you always hear those horror stories about women who go and recover by themselves all lonely and drugged up. But that was not how it went for me at all. It probably took another five - seven minutes and then I was wheeled out to Tony and Desmond in the labor room. The time flew by, I was just SO excited at this point. They wheeled me across the waiting room and all my family came up saying how beautiful and perfect Desmond was...he was sucking his thumb literally second after coming out the womb. My sister video taped as everyone saw Des for the first time and it was just so amazing. He was wide eyed, looking around and sucking his thumb the entire time! Everyone was instantly in love with him. I almost couldnt speak back to my family as I went back to the labor room - I was just so full of wonderful emotions, and completely choked up...but they could see how I was feeling. I was all smiles and totally giddy..I did not expect to feel that way right after, I thought for sure I would be drugged and out of it - unable to respond or experience the moment. But that wasnt the case at all...I felt all of it and I was on top of the world.

We all three got back in our room, the nurses kept busy getting me ready for my recovery but I didnt even notice- I was just in aw of my son. My family then left for an hour to give Tony and I some time alone with our baby. We were (and still our) completely captivated by him. He knew our voices...it was amazing. When we spoke he turned and looked for us...this hour together was such a precious moment in our marriage.

From then on a lot happened. Our family and friends cycled through to meet baby Desmond. Everyone fell in love with him that day. For the next few hours I started to feel the effects of the surgery- the pain started but thankfully I was able to get some medication that completely numbed it. Every few hours I got a little more- I was worried about the medication making me sleep and me missing out on that initial time with my new baby so I asked them not to administer any sedatives until I asked. I was ready to ask a few hours after the surgery when I really started to feel it. By this point I felt comfortable and okay with resting and feeling sleepy. Tony bonded with Desmond during this time and they needed it...this was a special time for my husband and son.

{Desmond's birth photos HERE}

The next two nights Tony and I spent in the recovery area of the hospital. Desmond was with us the entire time. We became parents and learned a lot those first couple days. A nurse would come in every couple hours to check on Desmond and I. By the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to go home. Staying in the hospital was actually pretty nice but I wanted to get to our home and get our baby all settled in. We got discharged Saturday afternoon..a pediatrician and an OB came to check Des and I out before we could leave- we were both plenty healthy enough to leave and what a relief it was to hear that. There's nothing better than being told that your baby is healthy!

Tony and I got home about 4pm and the rest is history. Since then we have been loving every second of parenthood. It's hard work (especially when your recovering from surgery) but every bit of it is worth it. I swear we talk about how adorable Des is or how much we love him literally ever five seconds. We just cant believe we made such a precious and healthy baby. There is nothing in life that can make you feel this blessed by God...

I will write a post about our new life and family very soon. It's been an exhausting last few days with all the feeding and diapers but let me assure you- it's totally and completely 100% worth it. Feeling Desmond completely stop crying and relax when he is in my arms just fills me with the best feeling in the world.

So that is my birth story! Let me be honest here- I was completely terrified of the C section...with all the negativity surrounding it and the horror stories you hear it just filled me with bad expectations. I almost expected Des to go to the NICU with complications, I expected that the surgery would be long and scary, I expected breastfeeding to be nearly impossible...but you know what?? I was wrong on ALL accounts! Desmond was (and is) perfectly healthy, the surgery was such a breeze- I mean cake, I was literally laughing and enjoying myself as they cut me open! And breastfeeding has been wonderful! Desmond has been eating every 2-3 hours since the morning after his birth, he latched on great and my milk has already come in. I just want to encourage women to not be terrified of C sections- sure, not everyone has a story like mine. but not everyone has a good vaginal birth story either. Dont go in it expecting the worst, I did and was completely blown away by how much I loved my c section! Yes, believe it or not..I loved it and look forward to doing it again with my next child.

I have so much to tell you all! Desmond is just...wow. SO amazing in every little way. I never knew I could love anyone or anything to this capacity, and it just keeps growing. ..but, that's a blog for another day. It's 5:30 am and about time to feed Desmond again :)

I will blog tons more later!

and PS: thank you thank you THANK YOU- for your prayers through this pregnancy and birth! God was walking with me this entire time- through lack of faith, fear, anxiety and through all the good stuff too. He is faithful, so incredibly faithful.

INTRODUCING....

Desmond Alexandre O'Neil Abbott
born on July 22, 2010 at 12:54 pm
9 lbs & 1 oz
20 inches long
perfectly healthy and completely lovable in every way.

...much, much more to come! The birth story is in the works- I have a lot less time to blog these days and Im exhausted when I do have time..aah welcome to parenthood! :) but my oh my is he worth it! stay tuned for tons of pictures and a play by play of these past few days!

the last bump picture...

Taken at 9 am July, 22 2010. Just a few more hours until the arrival of baby Desmond ♥

last post of my first pregnancy

This is likely to be the last post I write during this pregnancy. WOW. It's just...crazy! It all started HERE when I first announced on my blog that I was pregnant back in December. That seems SO long ago! I feel like I have been pregnant for a very long time, not in a bad way though...it's just seemed to be a long 9 months, I mean that is almost a year! But really, only 9 months to GROW a human being really isnt much time at all! Those first ten weeks dragged by pretty slow- emotionally I was a wreck, I really was in constant fear of losing the baby. Then one evening while watching the Nativity Story I realized that like the Virgin Mary- all I could do was trust the Lord, I wrote a post about that here. I was very inspired by her complete faith in God and her situation was MUCH MUCH scarier than mine, yet she still just trusted God even when no one else believed her. That really spoke to me. I started to put my faith in God everyday instead of fearing 'what could' happen. It was difficult (and has been) but it is a million times better than being ruled by fear every second of every day.

Gradually the trimesters have gone by faster and faster. The second one went by semi fast and this last one has just FLOWN by. I will be honest- I have really enjoyed pregnancy. Being pregnant has given me a feeling that I am fulfilling a huge part of my purpose as a woman, wife and a mother. It feels SO right and almost familiar- like it's totally something I was meant to do. It's a beautiful feeling. Pregnancy has been such a spiritual experience for me, it's really taught me to rely on the Lord in many ways, it has been a time of growth and reflection for me..and it has really brought Tony and I closer in a way I never knew possible. I thought by this point I would be sad to be done being pregnant- and while I feel just a tiny, tiny bit of that - I am completely overwhelmed with the desire to HOLD my son in my arms. I`ll trade Desmond for being pregnant ANY day! :) but for the record..it really has been a blessed experience, hard and uncomfortable too...but feeling my baby move with in my womb totally over rides any unpleasantness.

So...here we go! Tomorrow morning Tony and I will get up early and get ready for the big day! No breakfast for me :( I have to be with out fluids and food 6 hours prior to the C section so I will be ONE hungry mama by the time I am able to eat again! haha. I plan to video our apartment in the morning, get some shots of the nursery/bedroom, and some video of Tony and I and how we are feeling in regards to everything. I want to have those last moments on video, they are just so precious. I will miss our time as just "us"..but really, we're ready for our baby and the start of this journey together :) We then will be heading to my last pregnancy appointment with Dr. Dan at 8:45 where we will be able to go over some stuff regarding the c section, get some questions ands requests answered. And THEN- we will check into the hospital for the C section at 10:30! AAA! Weird...so, so weird! Ive never had surgery so I am scared..but the more I think about this as something Im doing FOR my baby, it makes it a lot easier. Plus, I just keep reminding myself that the Lord will be in the room there with me during the surgery...thinking about those two things has helped a lot, they're the only ways I can somewhat help the fear and anxiety. The surgery doesnt happen until 12:30 so between check in time and then Tony and I will be getting all situated, probably going through things with the nurses and stuff. My sisters, mom, dad and Tony's mom will all be there before to support us and send me off for surgery. Then...my son will be born...MY SON WILL BE BORN..OH MY GOSH. It's just...wow. There's no words you guys. No words at all. All I can think is (and Ive said this before) "My cup runeth over".

I will be in the hospital recovering for a few days, anywhere from 2-4 days most likely. Tony will be staying with me, is it weird that Im excited for that part? haha. Im hoping they have internet there so I can update you all- but we will see. I wont leave you guys hangin too long :)

Before I end this post - I ask for prayer from all of you. Prayer for me as Im scared and anxious for the surgery, prayer that the surgery will go well, prayer that Desmond will be HEALTHY and will not have any reason to go to the NICU, prayer for recovery...and prayer for whatever else the Lord is leading you to pray about. There are SO many things...but prayer or not- THE LORD KNOWS! He knows our hearts and HE IS in control.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

oh and by the way....next time I post I will be a Mum :)

The Swell Season

Well, The Swell Season officially blew my mind. I have never heard a band sound even better live than they do on cd. The raw talent of this group is just insane! I would see them over and over again...I hope they come back to Britt next Summer. We had the greatest seats too...I had a perfect view of them and didnt get uncomfortable at all. I think Des is going to be a big Swell Season fan :) he was kicking and rolling a ton through the whole concert! I could tell the lady next to me could see my belly moving haha. Also- if you love blue grass/folk-y music, check out "Black Prairie". They opened for SS and were almost just as good...plus, they are from Portland! A very talented group indeed. Tony and I had such a wonderful time. Tonight by far topped the rest my Britt experiences.

Here are a few pictures from this evening....

Tomorrow Tony and I are going to head to lunch at our fav place- Kaleidoscope. Then Tony will head to work for the last time before he starts his paternity leave. He has a whopping two and a half weeks off (paid too! thank goodness)! He has never had that much time off before, even for our wedding. Granted, it wont really necessarily be 'time off' because we will be taking care of our newborn baby boy- but oh it will be such an amazing time together to grow as our little household becomes a family of three. Words cant tell you how joyful and excited I am to learn, and grow and cherish this time as we enter parenthood. After Tony heads to work tomorrow I will be getting last minute stuff ready for the arrival of our son! My mom and sister will be over to help me out with that too. Tomorrow is going to feel very weird..not in a bad way, just completely surreal. Thursday can not come soon enough!

a good day

Im seeing The Swell Season at Britt tonight! EEE! SO SO SO excited! Tony and I have been dying to see them and since I now know Im not having this baby until Thursday, we were able to get tickets and spend this evening as a 'last hurrah' as our little family is going to go from just us two, to 'us three' in just about 48 hours (WHOA!)...plus, we got AWESOME seats right in front and a parking permit so we wont have to walk far at all. It's going to be amazing. My sisters and I got coffee and pedicures earlier today too- let's just say I love this day :)

1. A very nostalgic place that reminds me of being a kid....Grace Christian School, especially the playground. Whenever I go there for my nephews school functions the memories come flooding back. I love the place, I pray that our children will be able to go there. It's a wonderful school and place to grow up.

2. If someone really wants to show me how much they love me they should...show genuine concern and care for what is going on with me in my life, not in a surface way but a real way.


3. Lately I've been wondering a lot about...what and who my son will look like, what kind of personality he will have, what his cries and coos will sound like...just so many things :)

4. When it comes to saving money...Im okay, I dont splurge on stuff, I am the biggest bargain shopper ever- I almost always refuse to pay full price for anything, I literally have the worst buyers remorse when it comes to shopping for clothes. But when it comes to spending money on dinner, going to the movies etc- I kind of have little self control in that area, thank goodness I have Tony to keep me in check!

5. I'd prefer sleeping in over getting up early any day....I`ll admit it, I am NOT a morning person. I have absolutely no personality before 10 am..in fact, Im kind of a jerk lol. Im going to have to learn to be a morning person soon with a little baby joining our family! That is one of my goals, but I can guarantee you I will never become one of those people who is peppy in the morning- I will always be zombie-like before ten.


6. I wish I knew how to...crochet and sew, I think I more wish I had the patience to learn and become good. I want to skip the whole practicing and getting good part and just be awesome at it like my sister Emmi..she is insanely talented, she can literally make anything. She's my 'crafty hero' :)


7. I'm just waiting ....to hear my son's cry for the first time, my heart will not rest until that life defining moment.

our last weekend...

It's so weird to think that this weekend is mine and Tony's last weekend as just "us". From every weekend for the rest of our lives after this one- we will be parents, we will be a little family! It's just SO amazing and I am beyond excited. I mean, it's always just been 'Tony and Becky'...obviously..haha. but to have a child that we created, it's going to completely change the dynamic of our relationship and marriage. And I know it will be in a good way..the best way! It will bring a whole new set of challenges for us, but also an even bigger set of blessings and joy. For us, this is what life is about. When I was a teenager and imagined the best time in my life- it wasnt college, exploring, traveling, moving out...it was being married to Tony and starting a family together. this is the time in my life I have looked forward to most. Im just giddy that we are here, on the brink of a whole new amazing journey together. My heart is full of so many things, it is overflowing. "My cup runeth over"...that's the only way I can explain it. Im so in love with my husband and completely ready to be in love with our son. Im praising God that we are here...nothing has ever felt this right.

A Poem for Baby

"This little tiny baby

Was sent from God above

To fill our hearts with happiness

And touch our lives with love

He must have known we'd give our all

And always do our best

To give our precious baby love

And be so grateful and so blessed."

Since I have made it public that I am having a scheduled c section I have had all kinds of reactions. Some have been completely supportive and positive with the news. But alas there has been some negativity too- and honestly, I expected that...but it has been a bit discouraging, I`ll admit it. Through my pregnancy I have had a lot of people excited for the birth of our son, now Im feeling a bit like since Im having a c section that it doesnt matter anymore...like he's not a real baby or something. It almost seems like people are afraid to congratulate me since it's going to be c section...it's very odd and kind of unnerving to be honest. BUT Im blessed to have a family and a some really amazing friends who are realistic about birth and are actually very excited for the sooner than expected arrival of baby Desmond. Im focusing on that and really just soaking up all the love and encouragement from these people. Tony has been my biggest support and gosh am I thankful for it. Last night I cried to him about all of it and he just held me and prayed me through it, it was exactly what I needed. We read the C section parts of our baby books and talked about all of it for a long time. It was good, we needed it.

So with all that being said, I thought I would share this article that a friend sent me. It's a woman's c section birth story and it has really helped me to look forward to my c section birth...maybe it might change how you look at them too :)

My Totally Amazing C-Section

"I was nearing two weeks overdue when we went for a checkup, hoping the doctor would finally find a softened cervix and some dilatation. Nothing! The baby was where she wanted to be and other than being emotional because it was the Friday before Mother's Day and I had counted on having a reason other than our cats to celebrate, I was feeling great. We put together a plan to meet at the hospital on Monday morning to start the gel for induction and joked about going out on our boat and bouncing the baby out. Later that day, I was finishing lunch and making plans to go shopping when the doctor phoned, stating that she had conferred with others and wanted to know if I wanted to have a baby that night.

How do you answer the question, "Would you like to have a baby tonight?"

We arranged to check in to the hospital at 6:00 p.m. for an 8:00 p.m. c-section. While sitting in the lobby waiting for our room, we were like a couple going off for the weekend, giggling and cuddling while watching waiting room dramas unfold. We listened to conversations about friends screaming their lungs out due to contractions, and the woman whose family who had been there for three days while she was only dilated to 3 centimeters.

When we were called I almost skipped to our room. We met our amazing nursing staff that we would spend the next three days with, reviewed our birthing plan, talked with our doctor, and met the OB who would do the c-section. We joked with the OB that we hoped he had done his workout that day as we were expecting a 9-pounds-plus baby girl. While hooked to the monitor, I wrote in our daughter's journal about what we were doing and watched my husband play with everything in the state-of-the-art room.

While being monitored the nurse came rushing in to see how I was handling the contractions. I had to laugh as I did not feel a thing. The time came to go to the surgery room, so I walked down the hall, met the surgery staff and jumped up on the operating table. They asked what music we would like if the current selection was not okay. Who would have thought?!? The only bad thing was that I felt like we were in an igloo it was so cold in the room.

The worst part of the whole thing was getting the sterilizing wash on my back before the anesthesia as it was so cool. They quickly brought me warm blankets to keep me snug. Keeping true to my entire pregnancy, I threw up the entire time in surgery. Picture my husband at my side in his space suit, holding a sick bag in one hand and a camera in the other. At 9:45 p.m., after lots of tugging her out, my doctor, with tears in her eyes, presented us with Charlotte Grace weighing in at 8 pounds, 3 ounces and 20 inches. All the nurses cheered the moment we all heard her cry and celebrated every moment with us. Upon arriving back to our room and having a bath/massage given to her by her Daddy and the nurse, Charlotte latched on and has continued to breastfeed like a champion. About two hours after getting back to our room we went for a little walk with her wrapped up in her rolling bassinet. We spent the entire night just staring at her. We felt like it was more than we could have ever asked for and not the sterile, unemotional c-section we had envisioned. "

NEXT WEEK!

So Desmond is going to be a July baby after all! Look like a July 22nd baby to be precise!

Here's the story (this is going to be long so just bear with me!)...
If youve been following my blog you will know that I have been having pretty strong contractions and cramps for the past four days. Last night I woke up with pretty intense cramping. I got through about an hour of it and decided to take my blood pressure. It was really high, like in the 160/100 area...not so good. I took it quite a few more times over two hours and it was still that high. I called the on call Dr. and she suggested I get in with Dr. Dan today instead of waiting until Thursday. Dr. Dan fit me in today about 12. Luckily Tony is off today so he was able to be with me through it. I had a normal check up... weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure, check the baby's heartrate...etc. all that checked out great, even my blood pressure was back to normal. Dr. Dan came in and explained the high blood pressure was probably because I wasnt feeling well because of the cramps. I then explained that I had been having cramps and contractions for the last four days. I also explained that I couldnt really time the cramps/contractions because they just seem to go straight through, no break ...just constant pain. He said that for some women, that is how contractions go- and that way is MUCH worse because you dont even get a small break between. With all the contractions Ive been feeling and the heaviness and pressure in my pelvis I was sure that when he did the exam there would be at least a little progression- if not any dilation then for sure the baby had to have moved down more since last week. Everyone has said I even look like I have dropped in the last few days...I mean, everyone! ...So he did the exam and found that I have made not only NO progression as far as dilation and effacement but the baby has actually moved up...his head was once down lower in my pelvis and now he has moved up and is floating at the top (about a station 3) of my pelvis. I was pretty dang discouraged when Dr. Dan told me this...I mean, I have had some intense contractions and for it to have actually made me digress was kind of a big let down. The last few nights have been pretty miserable...I cant imagine doing this every night for another three weeks! Especially if it's not doing anything.

Dr. Dan too seemed a little distraught...he told us to meet him in his office and we would talk about it. I was kind of surprised because I was just expecting him to say to keep waiting it out and we would see where I was next week at my appointment. We came in and I saw he was looking at his calendar on his computer..that's when I kind of had a feeling this would be a very important talk. Basically this is what is going on...

We have scheduled a C section for the end of next week, most likely Thursday if not then Friday. This is why....

first...we kind of saw this coming. In fact Dr. Dan brought this up at my very first appointment back in December of 2009. We have a family history of basically not having child bearing hips...I have a 'small pelvis'. This was a problem with both my sisters and my mom...the baby's just do not come out. Despite what people say...not every woman's body can deliver naturally..even if that is 'what we were made to do'. If we (the women in my family) were pregnant in the pioneer days, both us and the baby's probably would not have made it...pretty or not, that's the reality of it.

Secondly...by this point- after having strong contractions and cramping my body would have either gone into labor or at least dilated/effaced more if it were going to ever do it. Pretty much, if I were normal things would be progressing, but because Im smaller/shorter things are actually digressing...the baby is moving up and not even down. This is a good indication that even if Dr. Dan induced me and got me on pitocin to start strong contractions- that my body simply wouldnt take. This is actually exactly what happened to my sister with my niece Cosette- she labored for hours and hours and nothing progressed resulting in an emergency c section, but she did not have pre labor contractions like I did so they had no way of knowing if her body would react right and deliver vaginally. Given Dr. Dan's knowledge of my family history and his experience as an OB for the last 30 years- he knows that induction/pitocin would be dangerous for me and the baby. A scheduled c section is much more safe than an emergency c section where the baby is very stressed out after all the failed laboring.

So now that you know why that is happening, here is how I feel about it:

Believe it or not, Im actually not disappointed and I do not feel in any way like I have 'failed'. I have known since the beginning that a c section was a pretty big possibility given my family history...so I have gotten used to the idea over the last 9 months. I had hoped that I might be the golden child in the family to deliver vaginally...but I knew that it would probably be unlikely..yet this whole time I have still planned for it that way just because I wasnt going to 'plan' for a c section, Dr. Dan was also hoping for a vaginal birth as well. Through this pregnancy I knew we just had to wait and see. The only part that does bum me out a little bit is that my family wont be able to be in the delivery room with me since only one person can be there during a c section and that will of course be Tony. I did want to give my family that experience of seeing their grandson/nephew be born, that would have been awesome. That is the one part that is kind of a bummer. More than anything, I just want my son to be healthy. And that is all Dr. Dan wants to. Modern medicine is a gift from God and I wish people would realize that more instead of taking it for granted. Im not going to sacrifice the health of my son for a 'birth experience'. It's really never been about that for me and it is especially not now that I know both the possibility of me delivering vaginally and the risk that would be involved for both Desmond and I. Im still kind of processing it all but more than anything...Im actually really excited that I will be HAVING MY BABY NEXT WEEK!!!

So, that's that! Im feeling many things...nervous, excited, scared, overwhelmed but also relieved. If by the grace of God I dilated past 2 & 1/2 centimeters and/or went into labor naturally between now and next Thursday- then WAHOOO! but..Im not holding my breath. And I dont want any one else to either. Ive accepted the c section and I am good with it now...that would be an awesome surprise but as Dr. Dan put it..it would be a miracle, he said "I believe in miracles too so dont get me wrong but this would be one of those things where you would be saying 'Jesus did this for me!"...haha...he actually said that he would be shocked if that happened. So, that being said..it would be great, but Im not gonna count on that one :)

More than anything I just ask that everyone keep all this in their prayers. Pray for God's will to be done, peace for Tony and I and for a healthy baby by the end of next week! The Lord has definitely given me hope and joy about it because more than anything Im excited! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Desmond's going to be a July baby :) Man that feels good to say!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

the waiting game (not my favorite game ever..)

just a quick post before I hit the sack. I am friggen exhausted tonight... We have cheer camp this week and thankfully, Im able to come home and sleep in my own bed while the head coach stays with my JV team there at SOU. Usually I would stay in the dorms with them but not at this uncomfortable swollen state in my pregnancy! Noo way jose. I barely sleep in my own bed these days! Speaking of that...the reason I havent been able to sleep is because of cramps and pre labor contractions. Basically, pre labor contractions can cause you to dilate, efface, thin out etc. yet they dont turn into actual labor...they are irregular and may or may not hurt as bad as labor contractions. For the past three/four nights Ive been getting them pretty bad and just feeling generally crampy. The pain isnt unbearable or anything, it's just nagging and doesnt allow me to sleep. I also get excited and hope they are real labor contractions so then I REALLY cant sleep! I basically live on my labor ball these days... I really do feel and look like he has dropped even more. My pelvic region just feels down right heavy and achy...like have a big ol bowling ball down there. I dont know if my body can handle another month of this (assuming that I never go into labor and I have to be induced at 42 weeks)! I just feel like my water would break from all the pressure before I even make it to August! BUT ...who knows. Im not going to jump the gun...or at least I am really, really trying not to (it is OH SO hard not to!). I do feel like my body is in pre labor mode, I have most the symptoms...but one can be in pre labor for days or even a couple weeks! At this point it is just a waiting game...I want him here sooner rather than later but I also have to remember that August is SO close! I keep forgetting it is just a few weeks away! Man this Summer is flying by...

prayer for peace to get me through these next days or weeks is greatly appreciated! Soon enough though, he will be here and the waiting will be over :) soon enough.

pregnancy insomnia

It's late...and of course I am wide awake. Lately Ive been waking up at 2:30 almost every night and then Im unable to fall alseep until at least 4. I honestly think my body is just getting ready to take care of a newborn all night. Usually I lay in bed forever until I can fall back asleep but tonight Im just going to roll with it...fortunately tomorrow is Saturday and Ive got nothing going on so I can catch up on sleep later.

I posted this thing below a few months ago when I was early in my pregnancy, well now that Im just days or weeks from being done I decided I would re-post it and fill it out again...some answers will be the same. Okay..so here it goes..

About Your Pregnancy: This pregnancy has been SUCH a blessing. Going into it with kidney disease and a family history of preeclampsia I was pretty worried that I would end up having a 'high risk' pregnancy. But here I am, 37 weeks pregnant and not only has the pregnancy not been affected by my kidney disease AT ALL but I have no signs of preeclampsia- my blood pressure has been great the entire time. Aside from the typical pregnancy symptoms (morning sickness, insomnia, heartburn, headaches..the list goes on..) it's been a pretty smooth ride. Ive really enjoyed being pregnant, it has been honestly, one of the best experiences of my life. I thank God for this gift all the time. As I am due anyday now I think a little part of me will be sad to no longer be pregnant- but the trade... MY SON ...is wow, just completely worth it :)

Is this your first pregnancy?: yes. I always wanted to have my first baby by the time I was 22. Fortunately it worked out just that way.

When did you find out you were pregnant?: November 27th at 9:20 am.

Was it planned?: we werent 'trying' but we werent 'preventing' ...we both knew deep down what would happen, yet we were still shocked when I got the positive pregnancy test! But really, I wouldnt change a thing about the timing...it was perfect in every way, the Lord knew :)

What was your first reaction?: the most excitement I have EVER had. All the excitement Ive experienced in my life rolled into one second! ...really, it was the best feeling ever.

Who was with you when you found out?: Tony was in our bedroom fast asleep.

Who was the first person you told?: Tony of course. I crawled back into bed and told him I had something I needed to show him. I then held the positive pregnancy test in front of him. He looked at it in complete shock and back at me, and then back at the test. Then he said something along the lines of "OH ...MY. GOD!"

How did your parents react?: My mom didnt believe me and my dad pretended to pass out and laid on the floor in the fetal position. My husbands family was all very shocked. Everyone is thrilled though...they were just a little taken back at first..haha

How far along were you? About 5 weeks.

What was your first symptom?: I was exhausted all the time.

What is your due date?: August 1, 2010

Do you know the sex of the baby?: yes

If so, what is it?: All BOY!

Have you picked out names?: yep. Weve had our names for either boy or girl picked out since before I became pregnant.

If so, what are they?: Desmond Alexandre O'Neil Abbott

How much weight have you gained?: as of now- 14 lbs. Up until a week ago it was only 9 lbs but I gained some major water weight in the last week...all you have to do is look at my swollen feet and cankles and you'll know!

Do you have stretch marks?: ohh yeah. big time. my belly is covered in them. but ya know, I never worried about getting them..yeah I used all the oils and lotions to prevent it but sorry ladies..genetics are what makes or breaks it! It's funny how women FREAK out over stretch marks...i'll be honest, I think it is kind of pathetic..I mean, it's a small price to pay for GROWING A HUMAN in your body. Just sayin...

Have you felt the baby move? Im feeling him move right now! In fact I feel pretty much every movement he makes anymore. I felt him for the first time when I was a couple weeks into my 3rd month (15 weeks)..I felt a little poke. I could see him move from the outside starting around 22 weeks...it's been amazing and believe it or not Im not sick of it, I still love feeling him move and miss it when I dont feel him for a half hour or so.

Have you heard the heartbeat?: many many times. And it still brings a smile to my face everytime. Lately whenever they check his heartbeat with the doppler he kicks it...he's a feisty one.

Home or hospital birth?: hospital birth for sure. Need I list the bajillion reasons I would never birth my child at home?..nah, you can probably figure those out.

Natural or medicated birth?: medicated, I want to labor as long as possible and then get an epidural around 5 centimeters. That is my plan.

Who will be in the delivery room with you?: Tony, my mom, my mother in law, my two older sisters and our birth photographer.

Will you breastfeed?: definitely.

Do you think you'll need a c-section? both my sisters and my mom have had to have a c-section so it's a possibility. I trust my doctor though so Im open to what we need to do for the safety of my baby and I. I am really hoping I dont have to go that route, but Im open to it if it's absolutely necessary.

Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time?: I cant imagine not crying but who knows...either way it will be the absolute best moment of my life so far.

Would you let someone videotape the birth?: yes, not like...down there, but I plan to have my sister video tape from the waist up. You can always toss the video if you really dont want it, but you cant get that moment back, so Im not going to risk not having that moment on video.

Are you excited about the birth, or scared?: excited and scared...but more excited. I am SO glad a million times over that Tony and I took birthing classes. Now that I understand why and how labor and delivery happen- I feel way less scared and overwhelmed. Im still afraid but I also feel more in control and actually, excited about it! Bring it on baby! :)

today I am 37 weeks &....

WOOO HOO! Im officially out of the 'freak out' zone! Ive made it! If I were to go into labor now- it would be okay! In fact, at my appointment today Dr. Dan told me that if I start having real labor to not try to stop it. Gosh it feels good to hear that. Im not expecting to go into labor this week or anything because I dont want to jump the gun...if I start thinking like that these next few weeks are going to DRAG by. But.. I have made some progress since last week! Last week I wasnt really effaced, half a centimeter dilated and station '3'...well today I am 1 centimeter dilated, 50% effaced, and at station 1.5! It's not much but hey, he's moving and doing something so Im happy! Unfortunately we werent able to get any face shots on the ultrasound because he was turned in...facing towards my spine, but that is totally cool with me because that is how we want him when I deliver..Im crossing my fingers he stays that way! Based on the ultrasound and his measurements it says he weighs about 6 lbs 14 oz..putting him just a few days ahead of my due date BUT that's not always accurate- in fact the u/s tech said that generally, Dr. Dan is usually closer with his weight guesstimate and today he felt the baby and guessed that he is weighing about 7 lbs 4 oz right now! Im so excited that he is at a healthy weight! Everything else with the appointment checked out good too- my blood pressure was good - 120/76. Ive gained a little water weight which Im not surprised AT ALL! My feet and legs have really started to swell...it's just gross but to be expected at this point so Im just trying to accept it. So pretty much it was a great appointment! All good news...I cant wait until my next one next week! Praying for some more progress by then! Were getting so close to the end and every day I get more and more excited to hold and cuddle my baby. Im like in a constant daze just day dreaming about him :) I love him so much already.

who will Baby Des look like?

More than anything, I first want to know that my son is healthy. What mother doesnt? but second after that...I am SO anxious to see who he looks like! It's one of my favorite parts to meeting new babies in the family. I love seeing all the family members different features passed down .. Grandma's eyes, Uncle's ears, Dad's smile, Cousin's feet.... It's amazing how much my (almost) 8 month old niece, Cosette, resembles her mother, like almost spitting image!...but now we are seeing that she looks a lot like her dad too. I even see a resemblance between her and my mom's baby pictures. My nephew Ben is pretty much a carbon copy of his dad! Everyone thinks that Desmond looks a lot like my nephew Liam (who looks a lot like me as a toddler as well) from what we saw in the 4D ultrasound...I think he will definitely have my nose, lips and cheeks..but I see Tony in there too, something with the chin and the eyes. My hope is that he will have his father's olive skin, dark hair and blue eyes! the blue eyes are for sure since Tony and I both have them... You cant go wrong there! So yes..Im just thrilled to see who our little boy looks like! Either way I know he is going to be a beautiful baby...no doubt about it :)

Baby Becky

Baby Tony