things Ive learned as a mother...

go crazy trying to find something? a phone? an mp3 player? why not check in the seat of the Winnie The Pooh train? They will both be there. I literally thought someone stole my Zune (Microsoft's version of an ipod, way better by the way!)...but no. My child is like a little monkey hoarder, stealing and hiding precious items!

what I would tell my pregnant self if I had a time machine...

<----- June 2010 & very very pregnant

I have many pregnant friends right now so Ive been reminiscing about my pregnancy days lately...when I think back I cant help but be totally shocked by how wrapped up in the labor and delivery aspect I was...I mean that is all I thought about. Of course I thought about the baby but really, I thought about birth just as much if not more. I wish I could go back in time, grab my pregnant self by the shoulders and say "BECKY! BIRTH LASTS A DAY! YOUR CHILD IS FOREVER!" because really...that is all it is...it is about getting your child out as safe and healthy as possible..your child's life is not centered around your birth experience...it is merely a second in time that will hardly matter to you or your child after that second passes...but if someone had told me this during my pregnancy I would have been totally caught off guard..instead of looking at 'birth' books I should have been reading my 'What To Expect The First Year"...not saying one shouldnt be educated about birth, you definitely should..but if I were to do my first pregnancy all over again I would receive my education only from the birth class I took at the hospital..not from a gajillion books and especially not google or birth forums. I feel like I did so much research on birth when I should have been thinking more about my baby that was about to completely change my life. So, pregnant friends...dont get totally caught up in the birth part. Do be educated but do not obsess like I did! Instead hang out with friends, family and your husband as much as possible...enjoy yourself, journal about your pregnancy and write to your child, sleep a lot, take advantage of time to yourself, go on date nights, talk to other mothers and ask what you should expect with your new baby, like I didnt do enough- read about what you should expect the first year of your babies life- return one of the birth books and get this or this (I highly recommend both!)..if anything, research (and talk to nursing mothers about) breastfeeding and what to expect with that..I had NO idea how much time I would have to commit to nursing Desmond during the newborn stage. I have a book I got at a garage sale that is especially for first time parents...it explains everything from bathing, dressing, feeding the baby to the emotions you will be feeling...those things dont seem hard (and they arent once you get comfortable doing them) but at first it is overwhelming with this fragile little person that you would literally give your life for. I remember being down right scared at first...I was so overwhelmed with the fear of just touching Desmond wrong...a lot of it was my crazy post birth hormones but a lot was also because I dont think I prepared myself...when it came to stuff like the 'baby blue (post partum depression)' I thought I could just skip those chapters of the books because I didnt think it would happen to me..but if you go back and read the few weeks after Desmond's birth you can really tell that I was struggling. It's okay to struggle, in fact I think all women do...some just dont admit it.

To put it simply I feel that first pregnancies (in my opinion) are a time to prepare yourself for birth (be it vaginally or c section) but more importantly they are a time to prepare yourself to care for your child, to be a mother and to be a family...pregnancy is not the end all be all, it is a gateway to your life's most important chapter. It is an incredible emotional, physical and spiritual transformation...soak it up, cherish it...and if you dont have reason to..dont get caught up in the stress of what 'could' happen (so easier said than done, I know). God has formed this child with in your womb, He has brought you this far..trust that He will see you through ♥

...now if only I had a darn time machine ;)

mommy judging

I have learned something since becoming a mom. Most seasoned moms say 'follow your instincts' ...'do what is right for your family' ...etc. Im realizing more and more why parents say that. It's because having a child does not mean you know all that there is to know about parenting. The fact is that all children are different, all stages and ages are different and all parents have different situations as far as having other children, working, money etc. Being a mom now Im constantly hearing about what is right and wrong when it comes to parenting, you hear it everwhere..other parents, blogs, old people, young people, forums, books...you hear about it on a daily basis. I think a good example is the pacifier. If you are a first time mom and you have a mellow-easy to please baby you may decide pacifiers are bad...but...would you feel that way after spending ten minutes with my 'high needs' colicky baby? (which luckily Des seems to be about done with colic!) Thats the thing...as parents we just cant really judge others when it comes to stuff like that because you arent in their shoes, you do not have their baby so you do not know. Another one I hear a lot is 'that baby nurses a lot!'...some babies do, not all babies eat the same. Babies also dont SLEEP the same, learn the same, reach milestones the same, grow the same, look the same...they are like adults, they have different body types, appetites, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. It changes with age as well..the toddler years can be really hard and many parents and non parents can be very quick to judge the parent based on a child's behavior...Whenever I hear about or see a person roll their eyes or seem annoyed with a child or baby I just want to say "you want to give this a try??" because really...parenting is NOT easy...and if it is, you've got an easy child, lucky you! :) and if you arent a parent ::WHOA:: then you really dont have room to judge. I found this quote somewhere (I cant remember, some blog I think) but this pretty much sums up my point...

"Don’t assume that a child’s misbehavior is a result of lack of discipline. Most of the time parents really are trying their best and the kid is just acting their age. And YOU wouldnt know because you do not know that child or what it is like to parent them."

I didnt write this as a way of saying "Dont judge me!" ..it's more just a different way of viewing parenting and babies :)

Things I Have Learned Since Becoming a Mother {the first 8 weeks}

{there will be more of these "Things I have Learned" posts as I journey through this amazing experience called motherhood. Look for a new one every couple months, they will be tagged with 'things ive learned"}

When I met Desmond, I felt as if I had always known him...it feels as if he is SO much a part of me. When Im not with him, I really do feel like a piece of me is missing. Motherhood makes you feel incredibly vulnerable incredibly fast...that's normal and expected, that part overwhelmed me in a huge way at first. From that moment you find out your pregnant on you will never stop worrying about your child...that is kind of scary but it's okay and prayer and guidance from God during this time was vital for me, it's almost too much love and fear all mixed for one person to bear but God is growing and teaching me as we go along...being open to that is so important.

It really does take a village!...and man am I SO thankful for my village!

breastfeeding is VERY time consuming. I actually didnt ever think of that when I was pregnant, I knew it would be hard but I didnt realize how your life suddenly revolves around it. Everything you do is based on when you breastfed last and when you will need to to breastfeed again. There will be times where it is a temptation to just give up- when this happens, go read about how wonderful breastmilk is for your baby and you! It will change your mind, if anything, if you can (and for some it is not physically possible or the baby just wont, dont feel guilty for that- all you can do is give it your best shot!) - keep doing it for your child even if it's very hard on you, it's one of those first big selfless choices we can make for our children. Maybe God made it that way for a reason?? hmm...

You CAN survive on 45 minutes of sleep. It's amazing how little sleep you can function on when you have no other choice.

...also, a great time for you and your husband to catch up some shut eye? at the doctors office while your waiting for them to come in and do your well baby check up..oh yes, that happened.

my son's head is the sweetest softest most wonderful smelling little place in the world

your child being in pain is so much worse than you yourself being in pain, I sobbed when they took him away to do his circumcision.

after you have a baby, during those first weeks of chaos- you and your spouse kind of forget about eachother...or at least we did. but no worries, you find eachother again and it's even better than before. Your love deepens and your bond grows even stronger, it is such a gift.

date nights are SO much better after you have a baby. We used to go out to movies and dinner all the time, now that weve had Desmond we have been once and man did we cherish every second!..it becomes such a treat... and what's even better about it? after the movie the fun isnt over, you get to go pick up your baby who you miss like CRAZY!

I was freaking terrified of my scheduled C section and guess what? I loved it! and I actually really enjoyed it and Im looking forward to my next one. Dont feel guilty if you have to have one, I did and it saved my child's life. If we lived in a country where a C section wasnt an option, me and my child would have more than likely died. More people need to accept the fact that childbirth just sometimes DOESNT WORK and that is not the mother's fault and C sections are not disappointments.. Going through major surgery is just as 'heroic' as giving birth vaginally...doing what is best for your baby is truly the best thing you can do as you begin your life as a mother, it's more important than a 'birth experience'...Let's stop the complaining about C sections and praise God that we have modern medicine that saves women and baby's lives! Can I get an amen??

Take advantage of your time in the hospital. It's really nice having people refilling your delicious ice water every hour, bringing you all kinds of food and pain medication (if you've had a C sec) and coming in to help you with your baby at all hours of the day. You will go home and have to do it all yourself so let yourself recover, relax and enjoy the help!

pacifiers are DA BOMB. I was worried about nipple confusion because I used a pacifier and pumped and used bottles right away, I didnt wait the six weeks like some recommend and hey- Desmond is a champ nurser still, he loves breastfeeding, drinking breastmilk from a bottle and he loves his binky too...it has been a life saver for us, when he has really bad gas pains sometimes he just want to suck, it's how they comfort themselves- and although comfort sucking via breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, it can actually end up making their gas worse because they over eat and get more gassy and bloated. This does happen, so a binky can be a great thing...although I know all babies are different and just because Des didnt have nipple confusion doesnt mean others wont- but dont feel guilty AT ALL if you choose to use a bottle or a pacifier- good for other people who dont have to but when you are a mother, you do what YOU feel is best for your baby and believe it or not- my pediatrician says in his many many years as a doctor he has never seen a case of nipple confusion, so he gives the go ahead.

Babies are often fussy in the first weeks because they miss the warm cozy womb! Dont beat yourself up if your baby cries all the time, it's normal and it will pass!

Post partum depression and the baby blues are both real stuff. Chemically and hormonally a woman's body is completely out of whack after having a baby... if you feel sad, overwhelmed, you want to cry all the time, not excited about your new baby, not close to your baby..any of that and more, DONT WORRY- that is all 100% normal. It will pass and if it doesnt after like 3 weeks, that's okay too. Just tell your doctor and they can help you get back to normal. Things that helped me with my post partum depression was first of all- accepting that it is normal and not having such high expectations of how I should 'feel' about my new baby. When I would feel sad I would just assure myself that it was normal because a hormonal imbalance is going on within my body and then I just rode it out. Talking to other women who had been through it- I came to find that both my mom and sisters suffered from some sort of baby blues or PPD too. Just venting helped a ton. And also- GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Seriously, nothing makes it worse than staying in doors all day. Make it your goal to get out of the house just once each day. And last- prayer, fellowship with God...He knows exactly what we are feeling and promises to never give us more than we can handle..that helped me through. This stuff is real and most women go through it, most are just too prideful or embarrassed to admit it. If you do suffer from PPD or the Baby Blues- you are not alone! e-mail me if you ever need someone to vent to or talk you through it!

your baby may only sleep an hour one night, or they may want to eat ALL the time- dont freak out, it's normal...sometimes babies just do that! they are unpredictable and they do go through growth spurts where they eat constantly and sometimes they cluster feed- it is completely normal, even if other mothers might be 'surprised' by how much your baby eats, how much they sleep or dont sleep etc...dont base what is right or wrong off of what someone elses baby does (or what the mother 'says' they do)...I can assure you, if your baby does the things above- it's normal.

Sometimes you can produce too much milk if you are a breastfeeding mom- this can cause problems such as over active let down, hindmilk/formilk imbalance, lactose overload etc. This has caused Desmond to be extremely fussy (as in screaming in pain for hours a day- more than just fussy), he will be hungry constantly (I thought it was cluster feeding from a growth spurt at first but it has lasted for many many many days now, plus that with the other symptoms tell me that it's not just a growth spurt), green watery poop and other problems- if something like this happens to your baby or you have a feeling something is 'off'...dont hesitate to research it and talk to a lactation consultant...I am in the process of making my milk supply a little less and Im already seeing a difference in Desmond. Im glad I figured this out now instead of way later!

A WONDERFUL website that has helped me so much with breastfeeding is kellymom.com...the resource area and forum are both very helpful. Be sure to have that one book marked.

Nancy Baker at Southern Oregon Pediatrics is a great lactation consultant, I recommend seeing her if you have any problems or questions. In fact, I was doing pretty good in the beginning but I saw her anyway and Im glad I did because she taught me a lot.

Let people help you! I cannot stress that enough! You will need it and that is okay! More than likely your mom, grandma, sisters, friends want to help you! Accept that, dont make it harder on yourself than it needs to be.

Dad should change just as many diapers as mom! In fact, the father should be JUST as involved with the baby as mom, not just the cuddling and playing but the hard stuff too.

A supportive husband while breastfeeding is SO SO SO important...you spend so much time breastfeeding it can be exhausting at first (you eventually do get more used to it) - emotion support from him is key. Also- he can help you in small ways by getting you what you need while you're breastfeeding...Tony turns the tv on for me, finds the remote, gets the laptop out and sets it up for me, gets me food, a book to read, holds Desmond while I get ready etc. Im not saying this to make Tony sound like the most awesome husband ever (although he totally is! ) but it is what ALL husbands should do...you are doing so much work breastfeeding your child- they really ought to be as helpful as they can possibly be.

While breastfeeding you will be very, very hungry and thirsty...that is normal. If a woman is exclusively breastfeeding she will burn about 500 extra calories a day! SO awesome right! but with that being said- DO NOT diet, if you are hungry- you need to eat, your body is telling you need food and it's important that you dont deny your it of that. And the same goes for water...you can get dehydrated very fast, always be drinking water throughout the day and while your are breastfeeding your baby- you will get insanely thirsty and tired while breastfeeding- both are totally normal. (Your husband should always be getting you water and refilling it when you are feeding the baby, that is another way he can really help)

A lot of times babies will have their days and nights mixed up in the beginning. They will want to sleep all day and be up all night. That is normal and often corrects itself by the time they are six weeks (Desmond has done that, although some nights he is just up and who knows why! you cannot predict what a baby is going to do so never bank on it! everyday is different) You can try to keep them awake during the day by trying to wake them- but in the first weeks, this is nearly impossible! They are sooo sleepy so dont worry if you cant...you will more than likely just have to adjust your sleep schedule to theirs, so nap during the day when they nap, it will help you tremendously! Although one thing- to try to get them to sleep at night create a more 'night time environment'...turn down the lights, talk softly, put them in a soft outfit to sleep in, maybe create a bedtime routine like a bath and some cuddle time...this may not necessarily work to get them to sleep but eventually they will sleep at night so might as well start a bedtime routine from the beginning.

some moms like to brag about their babies (or stretch the truth about them too)...it's stupid, dont give into it, dont allow milestones, sleeping through the night, ability to breastfeed well (or at all), growth etc become a competition- it's dumb because it has nothing to do with the parent, ALL babies are different- love yours for who he/she is!

When you are a mom, you are extremely busy 100% of the time...and any time you may get to yourself during the day is spent trying to recuperate or get things done that you need to do (which the list will never end!)...you will have a lot less time to hang out with people and have a social life- your friends and family SHOULD understand this, if not- explain that to them and if they still make you feel bad - then that is their problem that they need to get over, dont waste your energy dealing with it anymore at that point.

This is SO TMI but (and Im not sure how this is for people who have vaginal births) you will be extremely constipated after you have a C section. Your body and digestive system is all out of whack after a major surgery like a c section because they have to put your bowels to sleep...it takes a while for everything to start working again. Eat prunes, fiber one bars (they are actually really good, they taste like a candy bar!) dried apricots, take a stool softener and dont freak out. It will be okay- if you go more than seven days with out pooping, call your OB...but even that is normal (was for me!) so dont stress about it :]

Dont hesitate to call your OB all the time if you have concerns with anything postpartum- your healing, how you are feeling physically and/or emotionally, they are a huge help and are very educated in that area.

Read the book 'Happiest Baby On The Block" or you can buy/rent the dvd- we actually were able to watch it at the hospital, ask and they will put it on for you (at RVMC- not sure about Providence). It teaches you why your baby cries (which helps you deal with it better) and ways to get them to stop...which is very helpful if your baby is colicky (and most babies are). If you dont have time to read the book at least learn the 5 S's...you can learn them HERE. That was a huge huge help to us, especially in the early weeks. I still use those methods everyday too.

I highly recommend having a book that explains the first year of a babies life- we have "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears and also "What To Expect During The First Year"....books like these are lifesavers! If you were like me, even if you have been around a lot of babies you still dont know a lot when you become a parent..you will have questions on how to burp, bathe, feed, soothe your baby and things like co sleeping, crying, bowel movements, rashes (etc) ...plus questions about medicine recommendation, health problems and many other things- these books answer any and all of your questions and that is very reassuring when it is 3 am and your baby has a weird looking rash or needs some kind of medicine but you dont know how much to give. If you buy anything, invest in one of these books! Take back one outfit and get one of these instead, you will not regret it!

The days are long but the years go by quickly, try not to be impatient, cherish each stage.

In the beginning Desmond was very colicky, he cried often and even still he will have days where he cries almost non stop! It can be easy to be annoyed, frustrated and you may want to just get them to sleep so you dont have to deal with it. That is normal if you feel that way but what kind of hit me was that I didnt feel like I was being very loving towards my baby. It hit me one day when I overheard a mom with grown kids say "I regret letting my children just cry it out, now that they are grown I would do anything to get those moments back- if I could go back and comfort and cuddle them instead of letting them just cry I totally would." I dont want to have that regret :(

to go along with previous paragraph on 'crying it out'...When a baby is a little older, say older than 6 month, letting them cry a little in their crib is okay in order to try and get them to sleep on their own...I dont believe in 'crying it out' like just crying for a long time until they go to sleep... my parents did try this with my sister when she was a baby- they let her cry and cry to try and get her to sleep on her own, they came in and she had given up on crying and was sticking her face in her own vomit over and over again. That just kind of says something to me :/ but gradually working on it with your older baby is completely fine in my opinion. I think all things in moderation right? But for younger babies, I dont think they have the ability to manipulate (I think that whole thought is kind of crazy to be honest!), and the last thing I want is my baby feeling that his mother cannot fulfill his needs or that his mommy doesnt want to cuddle him. That would break my heart. All that being said- sometimes a baby will just cry for no reason or their is nothing you can do! That's okay and it is normal. Put them down and take a deep breath. Try to sooth them again (like do the 5 S's from Happiest Baby on the Block) and if nothing is working then just accept it...sometimes that's how it goes and you've just got to roll with it.

Breastfed babies cannot be 'overweight'...it is the perfect food so even if your baby is big or way off the charts- it's okay! People think Desmond is huge and he is only in the 75th percentile meaning he is pretty much the norm for babies his age! So, coming from a mom with a 'big' baby...dont stress about it, especially if you are exclusively breastfeeding.

A lot of parents end up co sleeping with their babies in the beginning (or longer) and it's necessarily because it's an opinion thing, a lot of times it is just what works- your newborn just came out your warm cozy womb! Do you blame them for wanting to be close to you and not alone in a crib? (if your baby will happily sleep in a crib more power to you!) Co sleeping is okay and can be done safely (read about how to do it safely HERE)...a lot of people from older generations wont agree with it..but really, do what is best for your baby and your sanity! that may be co sleeping, sleeping in a swing (Desmond has for weeks now because of his reflux), sleeping in a bouncer seat (we did that for a while too), or sleeping in their crib- you do what you have to do to get them to sleep!

I strongly am in support of being careful when it comes to SIDs (sudden infant death syndrome) ...the fact of it is- since the 80s (when they recommended babys sleep on their tummys and not their backs) infant deaths have gone down by 50%! My pediatrician told me that...you may have slept on your belly as a baby or you may have known many who did and they are fine- but many babys did die from it too so I figure, why not take the precautions.

pack many extra outfits in your diaper bag- they will spit up, pee, poop and sometimes completely blow out their diaper and get it all over their clothes and even up to their neck! you will want those extra outfits, trust me :)

you will not do everything perfect and you will make mistakes...that is okay! You are LEARNING to be a parent. Being a parent is on the job training.

when it comes to breastfeeding- both you and your baby are learning how to do it. It takes time so dont expect either of you to do it perfectly or even good right away. Be patient with yourself and your baby (easier said than done!) and like I said before- seek help from lactation consultant, I cannot stress that enough!

Motherhood is the most demanding/life changing/challenging and the most natural/instinctive/satisfying/wonderful thing I have ever undertaken.

Doctors, friends, and some family members are on a "need to know" basis for certain topics (ie. co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding...) just expect a lot of unsolicited advice if you do go around talking about things of those nature :)

Breastfeeding moms- a boppy, disposable breastpads, a nursing bra and lansinoh cream will make your life SO SO much better! Invest in those things- you can get all of them at target.

Some insurance companies cover electric breastpumps. I just found out mine did and got an amazing pump that is worth $370 for free! Even if you are a stay at home mom, it is nice to pump a bottle and let dad feed or have grandma babysit for a couple hours so you can have some 'you time'. If not that, manual pumps are pretty cheap (RVMC will give you one if you give birth there) and those will work too if you are 'casually' pumping.

Have a pediatrician you trust. Mine has been a doctor for over 20 years, has kids of their own and was my doctor as a teen (she even found my kidney disease when it would have gone untreated if it wasnt for her) ...when it comes to things like vaccines, I trust my doctor (hence being a doctor and going to college for 12+ years) over google or Jenny McCarthy :]

When Desmond is really, really crying from gas pains or reflux- a little dab of mylicon (gas drops) on his binky works wonders! That sweetness paired with sucking is actually like morphine for babies (a doctor told me that).

Don’t assume that a child’s misbehavior is a result of lack of discipline. Most of the time parents really are trying their best and the kid is just acting their age. And YOU wouldnt know because you do not know that child or what it is like to parent them.

It's important to wash your hands before touching someone elses new baby....as they get a little older, it's also okay to chill out about it... (I know, I know..easier said than done)

Take TONS of pictures and video- every day even! Im already missing that 'new' newborn stage.

Just accept the stretchmarks, and if your husband doesnt? slap him. Those are war wounds and something to be proud of! You grew a human in you for pete's sake!

You can only be responsible for the effort, not the outcome

dont ever expect consistency...just when you do your baby will switch it up!

babies (at least in the early months) dont need a lot of baths...in fact it's not good for their skin because it dries them out. Once to a few times a week is good...they will still smell amazing even after almost three weeks of not bathing! We know because we had to do that because of Desmond's umbilical cord stump thing.

Your presence is more important than any opportunity you could provide.

you may not love breastfeeding and that is OKAY. That is reality. Some days I love it other days I hate it!

I used to consider myself a night owl and in no way a morning person...when you become a parent that all goes out the window..you are now a 'whenever the baby needs me' person.

and last but not least...THIS TOO SHALL PASS! It will get better :) other challenges will arise but you will get through them. Try to hold onto that in the midst of the storm.